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naughtbutanillusion

Darling you give love a bad name
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So at the start of the year I had one friend and a million possibilities and hope that my life would be fuller at the end of the year.

Now I have no friends, feel highly insecure, paranoid and upset, my brother might have schizophrenia, my Dad had to have a heart operation, throughout the year my Mother had a broken leg, Dad also had a shoulder reconstruction. My other brother managed to finish his HSC, I've finished 4 university subjects and yet I feel strangely hollow with that accomplishment.


I talk to my psychiatrist about these things and for once that's not making me feel any better. I feel like an unwanted piece of sludge that should get cleaned away with the coming rain. I have achieved nothing of worth, the friends I wished for? They were given to someone else who is better than me. The love that I wanted? That also was received by someone better than me.

All I've done is prove to myself that I am a worse person than I ever realised I was before.

And no one gives a shit.

Dear God, why did I even try?
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Jeeeebuuuuus

I got through my first semester. I don't even know how that happened.

It... kind of got unbearable at the end, I still wish I kind of wasn't at uni ever again, I don't know... I feel like I'm back at school watching as my friends disappeared from me, and became better friends with other people, because I suppose I'm just not good enough for them.

Ah well, I guess I'll make friends with them again at the Dark Ages Society next semester.

And then I'll make new friends in my Anthropology course.

Also, being single is now just painful. Anyone know some hot singles? I could use one right now. Really.

It's like an insatiable loneliness is clinging at my heart and just won't go away. I've tried everything to find someone to get with, but nothing I've done works, I just don't know what to do anymore. It's depressing. I'm crying a lot more than I did before uni, it's almost as often as when I was at school. That can't be a good thing, right?

And this time it really does feel like I'm hopeless, I mean, even when I put effort into everything, and try my hardest, I always get failure, failure that's worse than what I expect. This constant failure makes me want to just go back to not being involved in anything, because at least then I didn't feel so utterly incompetent, worthless and just basically pure shit.

And it kind of feels like I don't have anyone to talk to anymore, and that just increases the feeling of isolation I'm getting.

I really shouldn't have started uni. That's all I keep thinking. It's not really making me happy. Nothing is. I try to distract myself by throwing myself back into games, but I complete them so quickly. Portal 2? Took me about 12 hours. LA Noire? The same. Black Ops? 8 hours.

And even then I've got horrible moments where I just can't keep distracting myself anymore.

I guess putting this in a public journal is pretty stupid, but I just need to put it somewhere, so that I know that I am actually suffering. My memory is so bad, I just forget... Everything seems so much worse now,

I want to go back to some time when I was happy, but I can't think of a moment anymore. I don't have anything to keep me stable. I don't know what to do.

I mean what can I do? All my attempts to find happiness are doomed to failure, and that's not an exaggeration. I don't even want to talk about how badly I've failed. That's how bad it is.

I'm expending effort on driving my head through a brick wall that is my incompetence.
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WOOOOOOAAAAAAH

1 min read
It's been a long time since I last updated.

Well, here's the news: I'm going to uni.

Not sure how that's going to turn out.

Hopefully I'll be doing the right subject (Ancient History - Egypt and the near east)

Really nervous about that, and stuff.
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I've had it with being the fucking compassionate one, the well of understanding and fucking tolerance.

People keep throwing shit at me and expect me to fucking forgive them and fucking take it.

I'm done with it. I'm just done with all this shit.

It's someone else's fucking problem this time.

You want to tell me I look like shit Mom? GO FUCK YOURSELF

You want to talk about me when I can hear you just fine? SHOVE A STICK UP YOUR FUCKING ASS.

Oh, did you fucking misunderstand me? WELL THAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM.

I've dealt with all your shit, I've fucking forgiven all sorts of CRAP from everyone.

Why can't someone else be compassionate for a change?

Oh wait, it's a fucking part of who I am and every one knows they can keep fucking walking all over me.

I don't know what to do. I'm so fucking sick of this and I can't get away from it.
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Fuck

1 min read
I might have just lost all of my stories and poems that I've been working on over the past two years.

I won't find out the damage until monday.

Fuck my life, I can't do any writing because my laptop (the only thing I have with word on it) has fucked up.

Why does everything have to go wrong just when I've got everything back together?
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The Shittiest Year Ever by naughtbutanillusion, journal

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WOOOOOOAAAAAAH by naughtbutanillusion, journal

I'm so fucking sick of this shit by naughtbutanillusion, journal

Fuck by naughtbutanillusion, journal