Jeeeebuuuuus
I got through my first semester. I don't even know how that happened.
It... kind of got unbearable at the end, I still wish I kind of wasn't at uni ever again, I don't know... I feel like I'm back at school watching as my friends disappeared from me, and became better friends with other people, because I suppose I'm just not good enough for them.
Ah well, I guess I'll make friends with them again at the Dark Ages Society next semester.
And then I'll make new friends in my Anthropology course.
Also, being single is now just painful. Anyone know some hot singles? I could use one right now. Really.
It's like an insatiable loneliness is clinging at my heart and just won't go away. I've tried everything to find someone to get with, but nothing I've done works, I just don't know what to do anymore. It's depressing. I'm crying a lot more than I did before uni, it's almost as often as when I was at school. That can't be a good thing, right?
And this time it really does feel like I'm hopeless, I mean, even when I put effort into everything, and try my hardest, I always get failure, failure that's worse than what I expect. This constant failure makes me want to just go back to not being involved in anything, because at least then I didn't feel so utterly incompetent, worthless and just basically pure shit.
And it kind of feels like I don't have anyone to talk to anymore, and that just increases the feeling of isolation I'm getting.
I really shouldn't have started uni. That's all I keep thinking. It's not really making me happy. Nothing is. I try to distract myself by throwing myself back into games, but I complete them so quickly. Portal 2? Took me about 12 hours. LA Noire? The same. Black Ops? 8 hours.
And even then I've got horrible moments where I just can't keep distracting myself anymore.
I guess putting this in a public journal is pretty stupid, but I just need to put it somewhere, so that I know that I am actually suffering. My memory is so bad, I just forget... Everything seems so much worse now,
I want to go back to some time when I was happy, but I can't think of a moment anymore. I don't have anything to keep me stable. I don't know what to do.
I mean what can I do? All my attempts to find happiness are doomed to failure, and that's not an exaggeration. I don't even want to talk about how badly I've failed. That's how bad it is.
I'm expending effort on driving my head through a brick wall that is my incompetence.